August Post-Mortem

What month of August?

On a more serious note, I'm not gonna lie, this wasn't the greatest month for me. A lot of feelings, a lot of adaptation and so little time for introspection because I have a job now. So I,m taking a state-mandated break to think about it, and also just to make a general update on how I'm doing, in case someone from my elementary school stumbles onto this website and thinks "Gee, I wonder how the weird lil guy that didn't want to play sports is doing now" Well turns out she became an absolute whore, a real love saleswoman, a puddle of pure burning lust who's also quite possibly autistic, even if again, I don't have time to think about it because I have a job now. Anyways, here are the highlights and lowlights of the last month, in no particular order and with a thousand layers of self-censorship because if I truly wrote how I felt I would be put in a psych ward for having been too silly and/or goofy (ew Saskia that's cringe, stop cutifying your mental health it makes you sound like a pick-me).

Writing sketches!!

Let's start with something positive so we don't get too depressing right at the start. I've recently started writing sketches again with Mya! Hooray! Honestly it feels good to do something that interests me that much with someone as insanely cool as her. You're gonna have to trust me on this one, she's probably the funniest person I know and we understand eachother in our insanity, which makes it so much easier to write together. we are cooking up some absolute bangers, abd even if we don't have any concrete plans to film them in the near future, it's just fun to write goofy things while reminding ourselves that we were born about 10 years too late to be a part of the golden age of sketch comedy. Oh well!

I love "working"!

Just a sprinkle of sarcasm here. But seriously, I know I can't really complain because my job is super chill right now (legit I do nothing, I tell other artists what they have to rework on their shots), but for the love of Zeus I have NO pleasure. So far, the mental load balance at work is way off; when it's calm it's not stimulating, and when it's more active it's too stressful. It's sad, because I love compositing! I don't know what my plans are for the future, but my god I need to figure something out if I want to survive in one piece.

Home alone (like da movie!!)

My mom traveled to Mexico for 10 days and sent my sister to her grandparents, which meant I was completely alone for over a week. And oh lord the bliss. The peace. It makes me want to move out again. I started listening to music without headphones. I sang while I worked. I left my room without getting dressed. I left my door open. I no longer had the stress of being perceived while I was in a common area. I was able to spend an entire day without saying a single word. It's hard to put into words, but the feeling was out of this world. I love my family, but I can't wait to live alone.

My heart is filled with hate and tar...

I'm becoming so bitter! Ever since cégep ended, and I left the "omg ATM love! We love eachother and life is amazing!" mindset, I have been getting irritated so quickly. As soon as I talk about Montreal and the people who live there, I have so much vitriol in my voice that sometimes I disgust myself a little. Even people I love with all my heart get on my nerves for no reason. I'm aware that it's not their fault (in most cases, because some people, you know...), and that I shouldn't let my emotional storm carry them away, but these days it's becoming stronger than me. If one of my IRL friends reads this, hey I'm really sorry I'm losing control of myself these days, but I love you all and I'm going to do better. Or at least do my best.

I really hate self-diagnosing, but......

Inside me there are two wolves: one that could never be autistic because she would have been diagnosed at the same time as her gifted kid syndrome, and another that almost cried at her job because of the texture of her plate. Honestly I'd hate to be like "omg i got the tism!!! so quirky 🤪" but all the signs are there: I struggle so much with so many textures, noises and visual stimuli. I'm hyper-aware of the amount of time I spend looking at someone in the eyes versus looking at their lips (because if I'm not reading someone's lips I have trouble understanding them). I calculate the chances that a joke works based on how I tell it (if I look proud or ashamed of it), because if I don't make people laugh then the interaction was a total failure. The list goes on, but say it with me, I can't think about it right now because I have a job.

My plans for the future

I don't have any! Hahaha. Ha. No but really I am completely and utterly lost, and for unknown reasons I don't have time to think about it. It's kind of hard to admit to myself that I just let life guide me wherever it wants to, and that every big life decision so far (which school to go to, which jobs to work) has been taken by other people than myself. The complete existential crisis is ringing through my bones. I'm definitely gonna have to dive deeper into it, but not now because, surprise surprise, I HAVE A JOB NOW.

Recap of this month's inside jokes

• C'est quoi cette zauce? (this one I could not translate, my bad)
• Joining Kitty (public hanging)
• Taio Cruz vs Sabrina Carpenter
• "Well you know what?" *Sing the chorus to It's My Life until you're bored of it*
• Unlarp
• My heart is filled with hate and tar
• Using old synonyms for "prostitute" as petnames
• Adorable! This woman explodes into a thousand pieces!
• Simon Boulerice naming his next novel:
• *While booyah'ing someone* Racist!
• Using an emojimix containing the snail instead of saying "Turbo XYZ"

Anyways I can't wait to see what September has in store for me! If my calendar is anything to go by, it looks like it will be pretty similar to August, so let's strap in, strap on and finally consider making an appointment with a mental health professional. Ciao ciao!